Lay ups and Rebounds

So........shower head just not doing it for ya? Need something that will grab your cheeks and justify your $20 a month pack of pills? Go for it babe! Everyone needs a rebound. It's like a game of dodge-ball, with your ex as the opposite team. You have all this energy you need to just throw at someone and you want to score the next point before he does not that you would ever tell him or expect him to tell you. Just for your own sake, and gossip.

I suppose rebounds are the dirty little secrets we don't like to admit to as when the night or weekend is over we tend to want to brush it under the rug and move on. It sucks being the rebound when you don't realize you are the rebound but hey it's human nature, we all do it and it's bound to happen. As long as it's not the ex you are on the right track.

It may have been quite some time since your rebound and you may be itching for something a bit more frequent or maybe just a quickie. DO NOT fuck your ex. Doing so throws away so much work and it's like starting all over again. No matter what you say or agree upon all those feelings (good and bad) are brought out. Someone tends to get hurt and why open old wounds? Plus why let him have that much power over you? If you can't help going back to your ex you should make a list of the things you expect out of a man, and then compare it to him. I mean sometimes he may fit the bill but he just doesn't like you. I had a girl cry her eyes out at my Halloween party over this guy. Don't be that girl ever, her friends were completely worried and pissed off and me? Well it was my party, I could be a bitch if I wanted to not to mention it was my house.

Now if you can't help but love him even if he doesn't fit the bill or really like you back or just he really likes you but you two really don't work well. Move to a different city, join the military, chop off your head, or you know, have some self discipline and MOVE ON!!!!

Even if it's an ex from ten ex's ago. Don't do it. Recycling is only good for the environment.

Ragtime Gal

Alright it's time to warn you. You are a single woman with lots of time to hang with friends, but at least half of your friends are in relationships and don't have as much time for you (or you don't care to hang with the chimp hanging off their arm). This leaves the single male friends. Now I warn you, they will think about you naked as that's what men do (they can't help it). They may imagine different ways to convince you to succumb to their masculine fantasies (dirty raunchy fantasies possibly involving boats), and they may pounce you if you leave yourself vulnerable (passed out drunk on the couch, porch or wherever). BE PREPARED!!!! Usually fucking your friends is not a good idea, I mean it works...sometimes...but usually only on the pretense that the fucking is why you are friends. So I suggest avoiding it at all costs. We will get to the “fuck buddy” later.

Now if you are put into an awkward situation and really don't know how to say no and it's beyond changing the subject, mention how much you enjoy dude time with him. Or if you have already slipped and are making out, mention you are riding the cotton pony. Most dudes think that's sick (if you are in a relationship it's different), but some are desperate and may have come all the way over from 4 blocks down the next street with a bag of wine, and will not accept defeat so easily. Well I'll be honest that was me and I caved, more or less because I was intrigued by this obsession and he was a notch I hadn't scored a few years prior, and I really wasn't sure how to say no. Plus, I like to acquire experience. I figured we were past the point of no return anyway and he would leave right after. (insert Phantom music)

Honestly if you really want to keep yourself safe just casually mention that you have a man friend and leave it at that. Yeah you may be lying (or not, research and development baby), but it's for the greater good.

p.s.

He didn't leave he stayed the night, and now we don't really have a friendship.

Rafiki

So how's that free time thing treating you? Bored? Miss the company? Reconnect with all those facebook friends! We are livin' in the age where it doesn't matter if you haven't spoken to someone in years, you have them on facebook! Honestly though this may be the time you start to do your strutting as you need to feel like tiger in prime. Whatever that means, you really need to feel powerful and sexy right now for self esteem purposes. And if you aren't normally a flirt or haven't really looked into it as you were too tied up with someone, take the time to observe how powerful women can be. I mean seriously, we can control the penis without touching it!!! We can wink and hello! I was eating cereal once and my man popped a boner so have some confidence girl in the fact that you may not be experienced but even the most subtle moves give you power.

About this confidence bit. It is the most noticeable quality you have and if you really want to get any where in life, you really have to love yourself, every last bit of it. I could go on about how it doesn't matter what size you are blah blah blah but confidence is more than body image. You need to like the girl in you who wears head bands and studded collars and reads 500 books a year. This is also where that hobby bit comes in. If you have something you are good at, it gives you something to show off and prove and talk about. Also having a good close knit group of friends helps as we are constantly encouraging each other (and secretly thinking we are better than each other).

Back to strutting. Get dressed up and go shopping. I mean put on the make up, mini skirt and heels this is going to be an epic trip to Safeway! I know what you're thinking, “Who wears that to Safeway? I make fun of those girls who feel they need to dress up like that all the time!” Pfffft, this isn't all the time, this is because you feel like it and want some attention even if it's non verbal and from everyone who sees you. Plus no matter what that girl's boyfriend looks like you caught his attention. Now ladies don't freak out, this guy isn't thinking of cheating on his girl friend (at least we hope not but we don't really care either way), he just noticed a woman that he otherwise would not have turned his gaze for necessarily. It's like being the baboon with the bluest ass, everyone looks and admires. 

Wine and Roses

         Sky scrapers and billboards decorate the Manhattan sky as a camera pans over the city. In a not so quaint bar four friends feed the voids in their lives with anecdotes and cosmos. In the end they have each other...and really nice shoes, six digit incomes and fame. Oh did I mention really really rich friends? If singledom were fabulous we would all be single but let's face it, most of us have to work to eat and keep a roof over our heads and that is significantly harder without a partner in crime. Not to mention the world seems to want us to pair up and procreate. That being said we the female race inevitably gravitate back to the dating scene in a desperate search of something that will take care of us and possibly buy us those cute, sparkly  four inch stilettos!

I suppose I am writing this out to prove that it is possible to be single and happy, but also to give an insight on how to evade the grasp of societies structured hand and how to manipulate your way through life as it is tough as single independent woman. I should mention that I have been single for two and half years now and I should probably define my term of single before the lot of you think I am some crazy cat lady who doesn't leave the house. Now I am not saying I don't date, have sex or cuddle. I am just saying I have no commitments and enjoy my own company. I don't plan on being single for ever but I don't believe in a biological clock or that I should have to settle. I am a cool person, I like my company. That is the key first step after a break up or whatever it is that makes you not want to be with someone, so grab that sexy ass of yours and doll it up for a stroll down somewhere densely populated with the male species!

Ok maybe we should slow down here. You probably need to cry and eat chocolate ice cream with some girlies. Maybe watch a violent film and get back to that hobby you had before you devoted the majority of your spare time to that someone. Seriously just find something because you are incredibly boring and one dimensional otherwise and my friends this is not good for self esteem. Take the opportunity to discover who you are, especially if you are a serial dater and have been in commitments for the majority of your adult life. I hate how people say it's like learning to ride a bike. If that were true where are my training wheels, knee pads and helmet? I would say it's more like failed suicide where you throw yourself off a cliff into a jungle heels and all. You don't really expect to survive but there's no going back either. Keep it that way toots!

So now your eyes are almost back to their non puffy selves and your friends and family are no longer up your ass about what happened and yada yada. Time to head to the LC to get some wine and pick up some flowers along the way. Get rid of that novelty of flowers. Seriously they are just over priced dying plants that look pretty and smell nice sometimes. If you can justify buying diamonds for yourself, pick up some flowers, same thing. It's the little things you do for yourself that make you realize how awesome you are and that your place looks really nice! The wine may have something to do with that too but hey, you got a bottle of wine that doesn't have to be shared.